weird

someone called me a fat jewish bitch the other night while I was walking home.  I know that I am curvy enough but I didn’t get the jewish part.  I guess my hair is dark but ?  not sure what else gave it away, especially the bitch part.  I didn’t even open my mouth, didn’t waste my time to retort.  I know I am a big girl, soft around the edges, curvy but the way he said fat made it all sound terrible.  I used to have really terrible self esteem about my body and about my desirability when I was a size 10 in high school.  My curves weren’t totally awesome or supported in high school.  And since then, being out on my own, having my experiences, friendships, sexual relationships my mind has changed.  I still get shy about my size and my curves sometimes but other times, not so much.  

Starting at I know, I wasn’t going to write more but it feels good to address something that makes me uncomfortable.

PS I was house sitting in Chelsea, it’s sort of over, I kind of want a dog more now, or share someone else’s dog and I am moving out on Saturday?  

there is more but that’s all for now, take that!

hearts to Olympia.  Mirah and Mariella were out here and even though I didn’t meet Ms. Mirah so much of her music was all of Oly to me.  So many memories.  

Hey if I sent you a letter don’t write back yet, I’m moving, as mentioned above, and it might get lost.

hearts to my parents, love that you’re in my life.

Hearts to Sonja who is out on some awesome adventure meeting people, playing music and checking life out.

Hearts to my friend out here.

and my friends out there.

…living above the dream line, from No Kids.

maybe next tattoo and first text tattoo.

I am boarding on a double digit for tattoos folks.  I have 8 right now….

Finding a pattern and trying to stick to it.

Everyday still feels new when I walk to work, walk to the subway rather.  

I have been taking the bus a few times here and there to work, for visits though not actually to work.

I can still taste the pesto in my mouth from Ray’s pizza in the LES from earlier tonight. 

Tonight I met Jennifer and Stephanie, one cuts hair and the other one cuts her own hair and is the best vocalist ever, says Severin.  

I had a fair amount of alcohol tonight, all of which has mostly worn off.

I had my first French lesson ever the other day and it was totally amazing. David blew my mind a little when he suggested that when I am in French mode, practicing whatever that I only use that dictionary, only that alphabet, which totally makes sense.  And I got a compliment on my pronunciation.  

Maybe I move to France?  Or somewhere else after New York?  

I miss home a little. 

I love the change of season but damn it’s already cold.

My bike and all of my shit will be out here next week and it makes me a little sick to my stomach.

I was listless the other week and rode the bus to address something that would make me really uncomfortable.

I like Amber Fox a lot, I think she’s cool and I can’t wait to hang out.

I finished my scarf finally.

I need to change my diet and actually buy food for home, I just don’t know what to buy and don’t feel settled in my kitchen yet.

My roommate is a great cook and is so so good at sharing and I like to do her dishes because of it.

I went shopping at Ikea again with Yo and got two more pillows.  My bed is totally awesome and I kind of miss sharing it with someone.

It’s kind of weird feeling like I am in love with something when it’s not a person but a whole city.

I have calmed down a lot since I moved here.

I really like wearing lipstick but I kind of want to kick some of the men that stare and say stuff that I didn’t ask to hear.  But don’t worry I won’t kick them, it’s only inside that I feel kind of nice and annoyed and grossed out at the same time.

I am grateful for an arm to hold onto and a friendly face to ask how I am and stick around long enough to listen.

I gave a good friend flowers last week and another friend a bunch of balloons, totally announced and it felt really good.

I had some tasty rosemary fried french fries with my friend scott valentine.

I am seeing the Ting Tings on the 1st of November with my scissor friend Shaak.

My mom’s 41st is coming up on the 2nd but she won’t admit that it’s her 41st.  I love her a lot and really appreciated the first bit of vulnerability that I think really tipped off this other adventure in our relationship last December on the phone.

My mom asked if I would consider having kids closer to home and/or in Corvallis ( I can’t remember) and I said yes.  I think she would be a great Grandma and I think that in about 10 years I’ll be ready.

I want a partner to have kids with but I don’t have a clear picture at all of what my partner will be like male or female, or whatever.  

I sent off 6 or 7 letters a couple of days ago.

That felt great. 

I like how my body is changing.  I have lost a lot of weight since January when I changed my diet a bit and was biking more.  Since I got to NYC I have lost more weight due to walking everywhere, sweat I am sure and not to be weird or intentionally unhealthy, not eating as much.  Hence the pattern comment in the title.  I want a regular schedule for doing laundry, shopping, cooking, drinks whatever.

I want to carefully capitalize on my talents and personalty, wear fancy clothes, do photo shoots and make-up and not worry about money and then I want to invest that money and share it with my kids and other people that are working hard and need a boost.

I want to sleep but I am feeling anxious and distracted.

thanks.